Some honest thoughts about the end of 2019

I wish I had some profound thoughts of what this year has taught me or a fun year in review to share today. But I don’t. When thinking about the end of 2019, I find myself breathing a sigh of relief.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, sister.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There has been lots of good this year. It was a really amazing year for my kids and watching them grow this year has been lots of fun. Madeline has really crossed that bridge from toddler to kid and blossomed into a real little person. I just love her imagination and creativity. She surprises me every single day and is such a perfect combination of sweet and affectionate mixed with sassy and stubborn. I would expect nothing else.

And what a year it has been for Connor! It’s hard to believe he was just a newborn at this time last year. I just cannot even imagine life before him now. He is truly the perfect addition to complete our family.

This year has taught me some big lessons, too. It’s taught me a lot about my own strength.  It’s reinforced where my priorities should lie. It’s inadvertently taught me a ton about how to cope with stress and anxiety and grief. Oh, has it ever taught me about friendship. I well up with tears quite often thinking of the friends who dropped what they were doing to quite literally wrap me in their arms when our family needed it. Friends who went out of their way to help care for my children, for me, for our whole family. I am so very grateful for these people in my life.

These were good lessons and what not but 2019 was still the hardest year of my life.

When I think of a way to sum up the year in one word it would be just that – hard.

We have had some challenging years in our family before- the year of my accident, the year Corey’s dad passed away. But nothing can really top the pain our family has felt this year. It is such a weight.

Even before we knew how hard this year would really become, it already felt hard.

Adjusting to life with two children was not easy for me. I went from feeling like I had a really great balance in my life to suddenly feeling like I had none. I wish I could say that I made the transition from one to two kids with grace but that is not true. Navigating it on my own while Corey traveled was so much harder than doing the same thing with just one baby a couple years ago. I know women do this all the time and that my husband is not the only husband that is gone all week but I will still say it was a really hard transition for me and one that created a ton of anxiety in those early months until we got into our groove.

Add in all those crazy postpartum and nursing hormones and I really thought I might lose my mind by March. But as any mama can attest these are all just phases. It passed and we fell into our new normal.

Once we finally got into our new groove, we learned about Connor’s allergy and I felt like it took another two months before we felt comfortable with managing it and weren’t scared of him having a reaction everywhere we went.

Then, it really felt like our whole world was turned upside down when we lost Corey’s mom so quickly – just days after her cancer diagnosis and only one week after she had been to the doctor and gotten a clean bill of health.

While I know this is to an extent just the natural way of things and part of the circle of life, my heart has still been so heavy as I feel like I am grieving for myself….and for everyone else. Watching my husband lose a second parent in such a terrible way while also watching my sweet, completely innocent child make sense of how one of the most important people in her life is never coming back has been so emotionally exhausting.

I’m looking forward to closing the door on this year and all the curveballs it has thrown at us and just starting fresh tomorrow.

I have some goals for the year ahead. I hope to get back into my normal routine of blogging. I’ve missed this space. I hope to continue making exercise a priority as it is such a form of therapy for me. I want to be more intentional with meal planning and organize every closet in my house! But, my biggest goal for the year ahead is just to fiercely love my family.

Thank YOU for following along with my little corner of the internet and Cheers to better times in 2020! Happy New Year to you and yours!